bird watching.

obviously, the move to keokuk has been hard for me.  i thought i had adjusted, but this past week was especially hard.  i thought i was just adjusting.  however, im pretty sure that God has been trying to show me something.  

im from a family of worriers.  i worry about strange things.  i try to make plans for every thing that could happen.  i have a plan B, C, D, E...  its just a head ache really, for the most part i never even need to open up plan a, so all that extra effort goes to waste.  i haven't always felt like this.  i can think of two specific times.  one was in high school, i was sooo laid back.  the second time was in 2005, when i stopped commuting to fayetteville for my youth ministry and moved to joplin so i could work with a youth ministry in joplin.  both times, i didn't really care what happened, i just enjoyed whatever was happening.  now, im so worried about what might happen next that i pretty much miss out on whatever is happening now.  its just frustrating.

im pretty tired of it.  i've been thinking a lot lately (probably too much) about what made me be so laid back in high school.  most of my laid-backness came from circumstance.  i had very few commitments.  i was a kid.  i had no obligations, except to graduate from high school.  i possessed very few things that actually belonged to me.  and maybe that had something to do with it.  i also don't want to forget that i spent a whole freakin lot of time in the word.  i took my bible with me to class.  i read in my spare time in class, at lunch, after school, etc.  i had scripture all over my room.  i joined any bible study i could.  anything extra-curricular was a Christian activity... for the most part...  i went to a lot of shows too.  bible and music.  that was the deal.  i really tried to seek God for my decisions (when i had to make them) and i really trusted that He would take care of me no matter what.

the second time i can really remember not worrying was in 2005.  those circumstances were a lot different from high school, though.  as opposed to being stress free, i was pretty stressed out.  i had moved in with lindsay in joplin so i could work at the bridge.  after working nearly full time there, and being put in charge of a portion of the ministry, it became clear i was uncomfortable with that much responsibility.  but i didn't realize how uncomfortable i was because i couldn't face what a half-way job i was doing there.  it took a meeting with steve and jenny to help me see what was going on.  so i was in joplin, with no job for the first time in years, and summer school.  my parents stepped in to take care of my bills so i could work on school.  so i just studied romans with chaney.  then i started going to college heights.  they were having a college age bible study over romans too.  so i studied romans.  and i had peace about my future, even though all of my plans for the summer had fallen though...  i was uncertain, but peaceful.  care free.  free from worry.  and, once again, i had a lot of free time.  and i spent it seeking God.  that was also the summer i met timmy.  fun fact.

so here i am again.  new home.  jobless.  lots of free time.  obviously, i need to seek God again.  He's calling me back for something.  He's calling me near for something.  i don't need to worry.  i don't have to be afraid of the future.

....

tonight we were watching horton hears a who.  there's this part where horton has finally made contact with the mayor of whoville, and horton tells the mayor that he's taking care of them and trying to get them to safety, and as crazy as it sounds, and as hard as it might get, he's taking care of them.  their conversation ends kind of abruptly when the mayor says, "listen, horton, i've gotta go.  apparently there's a problem with a giant meatball..."  and horton assures him, "you take care of that meatball, sir, and leave the freaking out to me."  i felt like a big dork but i was like, "timmy, i feel like the mayor.  im freaking out when everything is under control."  and its truuue.  

love.